Well as I recently read ‘sometimes you have to go back
before you can move forward’. So finally I’m returning to writing this blog, as
something in my heart tells me I need to. Why? Well so much has happened since
my last post on 28th March 2014. So many lessons I’ve learnt, as
I’ve gained the confidence and knowledge to acknowledge that there really is no
separation between mind and body, and the harsh truth that it wasn’t down to
the NHS to ‘fix me’.
Let’s go back then to where I left off. Reading my last post, I can clearly see I wasn’t in a good place. Back on morphine for muscle
spasms in my lumbar spine, I’d been signed off work. I’d only just returned to
the world of work after years out due to pain, and there I was. Two weeks into
a new job I was off on sick, and as things turned out I didn’t return to work
for seven months.
Full of anger and frustration as pain dictated yet again –
or so it felt. On reflection I now know that my spine – which is my stress
barometer – was actually communicating with me. Or rather ‘screaming’ at me.
Six months before returning to work I had witnessed the demise of my beloved
Nanna Dolly – my rock, my ‘safe’ person. A proud lady who lived to 92 years
young, her final few months I would not wish on anyone. A story for another
time and place, but let’s just say that following her death I consulted the
Parliamentary and Health Ombudsman, which upheld my complaint and positive
changes happened as a result, all be it too late for my nan who had suffered
delirium in her final weeks, and was on a ward alongside people with dementia.
So when I secured a job working for a dementia charity, it
would turn out my subconscious mind didn’t think it was so great. Still
grieving for my nan, yet surrounded by older people, many who presented
symptoms / behaviours I had witnessed, the mindbody (let’s keep that as one
word as there really is no separation in the two), thought it would protect me.
Rather than acknowledge what was really happening – the mental anguish associated
with grief – it started firing off pain signals. A pattern that had become all
too familiar, but something that in some ways is easier to deal with. You have
pain – you go to the doctor. They give you a pill (or in my case lots of
pills), and you wait for them to numb the pain. If you are lucky the pain
reduces, though all too often the acute pains remains in the form of chronic
pain.
But hang on Emma, how can you say all this with such
certainty? Because without knowing it, this scenario had become my life. A
traumatic event happened and my back ‘went’. But making the connection between
the two – well it was thanks to someone who introduced me to the work of SIRPA
and its founder Georgie Oldfield – that was the game changer. I clearly
remember taking her book ‘Chronic pain your key to recovery’ on holiday to
Scotland in the July of the same year (I was still off work). I could not put
it down. I recognised myself throughout the book, but within the pages was hope.
I’d already had a mental ‘shift’ just a couple of weeks
earlier, when I had returned to Queen’s Medical Centre in Nottingham to see my spinal
consultant. Having come out of the hospital in tears of frustration after the
scan results I’d gone for weren’t there, I sat on a grass verge by a stream. My
husband Matt and I got chatting about feeling ‘stuck’. As we got back into our
car, a young boy maybe aged 2 in the car next to us, said hello. He would not
take his eyes off me and he waved as his mum (who was heavily pregnant) drove
off. I just sobbed. It was like ‘this is it’ – stop crying as this (a baby) is
your future.
Another significant development during the same period happened
when during a CBT session at the pain clinic, the word ‘anxiety’ was referred
to. Whilst I don’t always agree that labels help, there are times when they do.
This was one of them. A label I could relate to – I had anxiety and had
actually had as long as I could remember I just hadn’t realised. My ‘fight or
flight’ response had become so heightened it was switching on at the least
thing. It explained so much, and at least gave me a reference point. The key (or so I thought) was learning to
manage my anxiety.
I then met with Georgie (from SIPRA) and had an assessment re:
the causes of my physical pain. We spoke of Adverse Childhood Experience’s
(ACE), of which there had been many, and though not a victim I learnt it is ok
and necessary to acknowledge how I felt rather than repress down. Georgie’s approach to the relief of pain once
and for all evolved from the work of the late Dr Sarno, who came up with the
concept of Tension Myoneural Syndrome (TMS). In a nutshell this is when
physical pain is caused by the repression of anger and other negative emotions.
The subconscious wants to protect us from certain emotions so rather than let
them rise, it produces pain as a distraction to focus on rather than the
emotion.
My employer had kindly kept my job open, and I finally
returned to work. But then another curve ball was about to be thrown, albeit a
positive one. I had started to feel unwell, but this time it wasn’t my back. It
was an intense pain under my right rib cage. I really didn’t want to be ill
again – I was just getting my life back on track. I kept putting off going to
the doctor’s but on 23rd December I remembering thinking that the
surgery would be closed over the festive period, so I really should go get
seen. I knew they’d ask if I was pregnant – they always ask a woman that – and
with a history of irregular periods I thought well I’ll do a test so I can
assure them I’m not.
Imagine my surprise when those two lines turned blue!!! Yep
I was pregnant.
Off I went to the doctors to explain that I’d just diagnosed
what was making me feel ill (note bucks fizz in pic for effect I didn't drink it). And there lies a whole different story – one with
a host of ups and downs and even a mobility scooter as my back pain returned,
and ultimately took me on a different path. I didn’t realise it at the time but
I still had a long way to go in terms of TMS and becoming pain free. Pain had
protected me from my emotions for so long, I longed to be pain free but
pregnancy and becoming a new mum – there was a whole new wave of emotions to
come and not just the ones you’d expect. Until the next time keep safe.
Emma xxx